Sam: A bottle of vodka and a packet of cigarettes; please, this will not work.
Alex: I need to distract her enough so she doesn’t start digging. Now move that chair so it’s facing the window, it looks too…too uniform there.
Sam: You are joking! After all the Feng Shui nonsense you insisted on to get that eyesore in here!
Alex: That was then, this is now, we’re going for something between heroin chic and knackered single parent of three.
Sam: Are you for real? Gok Wan, you are not! Listen to yourself. You’re not ill, you’re not an addict and you don’t have a drinking problem, not a real one anyway.
Alex: Why is my mother visiting if she doesn’t suspect something? Like a bloodhound, she’s got the scent of something. I have to distract her. Come on, be a mate help me out. No, don’t empty the ashtray; the fuller the better.
Sam: This is ridiculous, you don’t smoke. Just tell her the truth.
Alex: Oh yeah that’ll work! Hi mum, I accidentally slept with your boyfriend twice. Yeah, the one you’re madly in love with, this time it’s the real thing, he’s definitely a keeper, blah, blah, blah. And then watch my life flash before me.
Sam: Twice! I thought it only happened once.
Alex: Twice, three times and again two days ago who’s counting? I was doomed after the first time, what’s the difference? She can only kill me once. Don’t judge me I’m the victim here.
Sam: Granted; she’ll be upset, not knowing he’s Bi, but…
Alex: He’s not Bi…
Sam: If you say so
Alex: Anyway, that’s beside the point, you don’t know what she’s capable of.
Sam: It’s not her style, Carole’s more bark than bite.
Alex: Tell that to the poor guys at the bowling alley.
Sam: You said no one was hurt.
Alex: Only because they ducked out of the way and called for re-enforcements!
(Pause)
Alex: How do you know her name is Carole? No one calls her Carole?
Sam: You told me.
Alex: Nope! That would humanise her, I would never make that mistake.
Sam: We need to concentrate on the task at hand.
Alex: How did you know her name was Carol?
Sam: I dropped her off at the station last time she was here, remember? You had to go off and be fabulous somewhere, I think the new Primark had opened.
Alex: Mmm, I remember, what happened?
Sam: Her train was delayed. We went for a coffee, we chatted and she said call me Carole.
Alex: You’re such a liar… please don’t tell me what I think I’m hearing!
Sam: These things happen…
Alex: How could you!
Sam: I didn’t; she’s a game girl.
Alex: La, la, la I don’t want to hear it.
(Pause)
Alex: Deplorable as it may be, this could work in my favour.
Sam: So you don’t mind if I see her again?
(Alex throws a pencil at Sam’s head)
Sam: Ouch! That could’ve had my eye out!
Alex: Get a shift on, there’s a change in the air, she’s getting close.
Sam: I’m bleeding!
Alex: That’s good, use it. Yes, you’ve been battered trying to help me kick my habit. It’s perfect.
(The intercom buzzes)
Sam: She’s here. Look I’ll tell her…
(Alex gets close enough to pinch Sam’s bare arm)
Sam: Ouch, ouch, that really hurts. Okay, okay, whatever.
Alex gives a satisfied smile as the pinch marks start to show colour then breathes deeply.
Alex: It’s showtime, let her in!
