The six-month mark signalling the time since I started this venture is looming and my impatience has kicked in. I’ve attempted to counteract my impatience by focussing on the positive. My writing has improved, in quality and quantity. I am also managing to keep most of the items on my lists of things to do ticking over, yet I am anxious.  The knowledge I had hoped to gain around technology, beyond the basic skills I have gleaned for personal use has been significantly stalled. One of my more pragmatic friends pointed out, I could either learn and do the techy stuff myself or acquire services and potentially lose some control. Either way, I was frustrated enough with the status quo to be spurred into affirmative action.

I remembered being directed to the library as a useful resource so I rushed off to see if I could find a workshop that could help my technological skills. Instead, I found a Job Club, helping people back into employment. I shared my freelance plans with the advisor who was supportive and genuinely interested. She quickly identified the need for a business plan, which had not occurred to me before. I was intrigued as to how this process was going to work, so I signed up. During the form filling, I was told more about the company and I voiced concerns regarding my technological skills gap. I was encouraged to make that a priority and together we sketched out a few tasks, surprisingly covering the next 12 months.  I realised then I was going to be in start-up mode longer than anticipated because these things take time. The ability to make adjustments on this journey became an essential requirement, especially if I wanted to make ends meet. Some of the tension eased, as I allowed muted thoughts and suggestions about part-time supplementary employment to take root.

There must have been something in the air because later I received a follow-up phone call from a training provider, also offering business start-up training and support.  I agreed on a later date for a meeting with them too. With a little push, I’ve nudged things forward, providing myself with a much-needed boost.

In the meantime, creativity is taking a new turn. I’ve generated a few more ideas, but there is reduced time to develop them. My attention has been held between business and well-being, which has caused some physical and emotional fatigue, which somehow signals to me that something good is working. A dear friend sent me a link that suggested my current ethos for life, means I’ve been in survival mode for a while now and though I can acknowledge it, presently I don’t see an easy way out.

Perhaps, naively, I’ve conditioned myself to think success will take me out of survival mode and into a natural, peaceful state of being. Realistically, it will take more than success and according to virtually everything I’ve heard, seen or read, all roads lead back to meditation. The benefits of meditation are abundantly clear according to avid practitioners and I’m not averse to it. However, it still feels like work (until it becomes habitual) and a time indulgence I do not want to spare at present. Besides, survival mode has brought me this far, some of it does work. It could be argued that I cannot afford not to meditate, but I’m not there yet and I am content to wait.